How to Write Bad Dialog

By David Farland
Posted on January 30, 2023

Writing bad dialog is almost an art form unto itself.

Recently I read a couple of stories where it felt as if the author was struggling to come up with bad dialog. So I thought I should give a few tips on how to do it properly.

The easiest way to write wretched dialog is to use dialog for the wrong things. In other words, when a scene calls for description, narration, transitions, introspection, characterization, or other things—simply do it all with dialog.

1. Bad Dialog in Place of Description

Let me give you an example. Our character, Joe, has just reached into the pocket of a dead man that he found washed up on a Florida beach. Now, the natural way to handle the scene would be to show the readers what Joe pulls from the dead man’s pocket. But instead you can do it in dialog, in this case, with another character, Ron:

Ron: Hey, what did you just find in that dead man’s pocket?
Joe: Why, it looks like . . . gold pieces of eight, dated 1702!

Can you see how well that works? I mean, if you pulled a piece of ancient gold from a dead man’s pocket, you’d probably take a bit of time wondering what it was, studying it, and turning it over in your hand. But you can handle it faster if you simply have a character blurt a perfectly accurate description. So if you want to win awards for bad dialog, keep putting your descriptions into dialog!

2. Bad Dialog in Place of Transitions

Here’s how to write a terrible transition. We have just had two men meet, and one asked to meet in private. Let’s have Joe and Ron again.

Joe: Well, here we are in the Redwood National Forest. Sure is a foggy day, what with the wind coming in off the Pacific. What did you want to talk about, Ron, that made you drag me all the way out here, three miles into the trees? You afraid that our offices are being bugged or something?

In this case, the average author might start the scene with the two walking deep into a forest in the early dawn, smelling the fog off the sea, freezing from the cold. Personally, if I were Joe, I’d be a bit nervous, and I’d be wondering if Ron planned to murder me, but maybe that’s just me.

3. Bad Dialog in Place of Introspection

One of my favorite misuses of dialog is the spoken dialog that should be internal. For example, let’s say that Joe goes to the funeral of Ron’s mother. He walks into the foyer and is approaching the deceased, with people both ahead and behind him. He sees the old crone in her casket, dressed nicely, and then whispers to himself, “I never did like the old bag, but she looks pretty hot today. . . .”

Now, most folks would think that Joe would have to be literally insane to say something like that in public. But as a master of bad dialog, you just might get away with it. After all, I think that by now you’ve established that Joe has diarrhea of the mouth and never can shut up, so maybe readers won’t notice that you’re trying to tell your story through dialog alone.

4. Bad Dialog in Place of Characterization

Then of course, you can always characterize people by having one character talk about another. For example, Joe might tell Ron, “You know, my daughter Kary is so introverted, I can’t understand why she would want to become President of the United States.”

“She is introverted,” Ron says, “but you know, she also wants to save the country from fracking, and I don’t think that she can come up with any other way to do it.”

That one always works.

Just remember, if you want to become a master of ridiculously bad dialog, the first rule is to use dialog for everything—for descriptions, for internal thoughts, for narrating your scenes, for transitions and deep characterization. Wretched dialog has a million uses!

Previously Published

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Apex Glimpses, News, & Shout-outs!

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APEXER RESOURCES:
More information & Resources about Querying with Patrick Hopkins and Morgan Hazelwood

These writers have helped other writers get page requests and agent-representation.

From Patrick Hopkins: “I’m sorry I’ve had to close to queries for the most part. You can still find me in my feedback group, and I livestream submission package editing as a charity fundraiser every other Monday from 9:30 p.m. to midnight with Morgan Hazelwood. Links to those streams are on her YouTube channel. Otherwise, I wish you every possible success with my resources and these hireable query editors. Good luck <3″ (See below)

Query Editors:

Bre Stephens

Juli Koen Alonso

Nicole Evans (Thoughts Stained With Ink)

Polished.

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Queries:

Mental preparation:

Why querying is hard (and how to make it easier). How to prepare for the emotions of querying. Query help: How to control your queries.

“How should my query look?”

My 332-page query compendium. Those queries sorted by genre and age range. Dr. Carissa Taylor’s Successful Queries database. When an agent tells you exactly how to query them … .

Finer points:

On passive verbs in queries. Query length etc. data. How to solve three advanced query problems. Query help: When early details disappear. Query help: How to fix first chapter bias. How to find typos. Why, nouns? On process language. How to use/fix decentering and metonymy.

“Aaaaaaah! Everything is broken and/or on fire!”

When to seek help with your query. Mistakes and the queries they didn’t doom.

Comparison titles:

Proof that you don’t always need to comp recent/noniconic/books.

Form rejections compilation project:

Query help: feedback or form? (and the database)How to say you’re seeking new representation because you’re no longer with your agent.
How to say an editor at a press/publisher or credible other has expressed interest in your work.
How to reference Twitter interaction/a pitch like.
How to say you were selected for a mentorship program (Author Mentor Match, Pitch Wars, Sewanee, etc.).
How to say you have or are pursuing an MFA.
When it’s okay to write a LONG bio.
Yes, mentioning MSWL (which you CAN control) is almost as effective as getting a Twitter pitch like (which you CAN’T control).
Yes, you can query only one agent and get an offer. (But you shouldn’t. Batches of 5-10.)
Yes, you can query more than one book in a query. (But you shouldn’t.)
Yes, you can swear in a query (but be careful).
Yes, you can mention your social media followings (but it’s uncommon).
Yes, you can write in first person (but it’s a bad idea).

Synopses:

How to get your synopsis to fit a page.
Another synopsis guide.
Janet Reid (Query Shark) on synopses.
Jane Friedman’s advice.
Alexa Donne (video) advice.
Synopsis services you might need.
A literary synopsis.
Links to more synopses.
A “literary or mainstream” synopsis.
Shannon Snow on how to write a synopsis.
Cutting a synopsis from short to shorter.

UK-specific tips for fiction submission packages:

UK query resources. (I’m not the best option for editing your UK query.)
The Literary Consultancy on synopses.
Curtis Brown on synopses.

Writing:

How to avoid overwriting.

Another Search Tool to Make Things Easier

Apex has been busy creating new “At a Glance” for meetings: Who is presenting and what the topics are, along with searchable Indexes for the vast library of replays from our Strategy and Mastermind zooms. And next up is a Searchable doc for all the Courses and Lectures taught predominantly by our late Master Storyteller, David Farland. This is a great opportunity to learn from the best. And how many courses and lectures are there? Over 30!

These tools include “At a Glance” for both Strategy Meetings and for Mastermind, and we have a searchable index for the replays.

The Course and Lecture Searchable

Strategy at a Glance

MasterMind at a Glance

Searchable Index for Strategy

Searchable Index for Mastermind

📌 Shout-Out to Some of Our Apexers for This Week!

Day Leitao for her first Kickstarter, and extra kudos as her Kingdom of Curses and Shadows Collector Edition Omnibus was picked as a #ProjectWeLove by Kickstarter! If you want to check it out, click Day’s Kickstarter